January 20, 2012, 9:32 am, Actually, Im with you on the finance thing. you still have some kinks to work out and a lot to learn about eachother! Yes. GatorGirl NEWSFLASH: This is WHO he is. Eh. And obviously, Im also someone who is really close with family. The fact is that this relationship is still very new, and even though it has only been two or three weeks of her spending time with his family, if she doesnt want it to continue that way then she needs to put a stop to it as soon as possible. Alone time doesnt have to be at home (even if its sex wink wink), and if youre not there, they cant drop by! As for the LWs sitch, its only been a few weeks. Please see my post below.. lets_be_honest Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? SpaceySteph Say that you were thinking more along the lines of once a month. January 20, 2012, 8:08 am. Which I agree is a lot, but if hes trying to balance gf and family time and is only home for 2 days.thats a lot. I dont understand why were in a relationship if he rather stay at his parents instead and not trying to build a life with me. ), you also like using your weekends to relax and enjoy the city in a way you dont get a chance to do during the busy week. WebHusband spends all his free time with his adult chilrdren. And the rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend as well. When I lived in Paris my host siblings were like that. And am going to go to the bathroom, stick my head up my ass, sign lulabyes and probably have quite a splendid day. I agree. Or I used to. If that doesnt work if he wont set aside some time for the two of you, or if you need more distance from his family than hes willing or able to manage, then Im afraid its MOA time. Ive put my head in the sand in relationships as well before. Sometimes he comes with me (although he is absolutely not obligated to do so), sometimes he goes shopping for things that he knows I have no interest in, sometimes he just sleeps and veggies out on the couch, or goes to the gym.. When we decided it was serious, he introduced me to his mom one weekend, and I introduced him to my parents the next. Doesnt the LW ever have anything she needs to get done? She does say they sleep there on weekend nights, so that would indicate that its longer than just a leisurely lunch. As a PP said, some extended families are close and spend a whole lot of time together, and girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, get pulled right into the family circle. Its not a matter of never visiting his parents, but of not visiting every weekend. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. WebGoing every weekend with a 6 hour drive is a lot, but if he feels like thats what he wants to do then he should. Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. At best, a season and a half. I frankly doubt that this relationship has a future. But if that doesnt work, I think you need to accept it or move on unfortunately. If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. also, go on Pinterest and put in cheap date ideas. You are asking how you can change him and his feelings on this and get him to grow up. seems a little quick to be so worried to me, considering the time of year. They live in a suburb of New York, where we live, and weve somehow gotten into a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. I am pretty sure that is not what you meant by your letter, but as we all know, when we are discussing something with significant others, things can sound more severe than they are. I asked him all the time if 1. we could have weekends where we spent more time just with each other and 2. maybe even have one every once in awhile where he didnt see his parents, that was just us my argument being that I never got a weekend to relax at home and have him come to mei was always either driving to him or driving an hour out to his parents for the weekend and spending the night and all that. And that commute can be a PAIN IN THE ASS. So the next time he says Im going to my parents house, just answer Have fun. June 18, 2014, 9:23 am. Like I said before, I get along great with them and dont mind visiting them, but I also need privacy and a chance for my boyfriend and me to have a separate life from them. January 20, 2012, 9:34 am. It is clear that his family comes first, and your family and your wishes are less important to him. Hopefully by the time you are an adult you have been given and shown the coping skills youll need to support Yourself. No ones a bad person for saying these things (except my aunt, shes the worst and in a league of her own), but if youre someone for whom this feels like guilting, it can start making you feel so bad. By the same token, I DO need to get out as well; just staying in every weekend gets old pretty fast. From unexpected work obligations on the weekend to sudden business travel demands, one partners professional goals and ambitions can impose stress on a So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. What should I do? Although it is not mature, your husband chooses to run away from your problems in marriage to be with his family. lets_be_honest I talk to my boyfriend about this, but he doesnt think either he or his parents encourage this kind of behavior or that the behavior is even weird. If hes not receptive, as others have said, I think you have your answer on how to proceed. However, you could opt to take time off longer than a weekend to spend time with him. They go to see one of their families every weekend or see both some weekends, and its something they both agree on. I support this and even though it isnt practical for me to take the baby all the way to the other side of the city every time he goes (an hour and a half subway commute round-trip), I have no problem spending an evening by myself with Jackson so Drew can get in some time with his dad. Did he see them a lot over the holidays or not see them much at all? But moving in together may also make you slack on spending time with your own friends and hobbies. If the relatives of only one spouse are prioritized, the other spouse will be dissatisfied. LW, how about writing back with the details? Like the other commenters have said, just communicate! Exactly! But the way you split the total cost of living should be established before you decide to move in together. Or boys night out, so I can stay home and watch the silly teen girl movies like Easy A or Clueless. Am I the only person that is truly freightened by this? Agreed, there is too much time spent sitting on the couch in this letter. What I dont agree with, personally, is doing it interrogation style. Pronouns made that a little less clear. Youve already talked to your boyfriend about your feelings and he doesnt think hes doing anything weird. The thing is, whether or not his behavior is weird is irrelevant. Its even understandable to spend every weekend with them if someone is terminally ill (or some other similarly serious circumstance). I am afraid for humanity. That said, I think the LW should just talk to her boyfriend. He considers you a party breaker because you dont want to sit all day every weekend with his family and listen to the same stories. No matter how long they could be dating, if he preferred spending his weekends with her because that was their only opportunity, she would not have known that once they live together he will choose to spend that time with his family because now he sees her every day at home. She thought he would change, and he hasnt. Its not explicitly in the letter, by I got the feeling that the weekend visits to bfs family preceded the moving in together, but that she still had some weekend time to herself. But come on, man! And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. That way your BF gets to see his parents, and you arent having to schlep back and forth. Ooo, I might try that out this summer, that looks fun! Communication people. When my husband and I got together, he was working a 4-hour drive from me and wed only see each other on weekends and vacations. A movie? My parents have an awesome house with a huge yard with bike, 4 wheelers, space for baseball, a pool, tennis court (now I sound spoiled)if we lived close enough Id rather hang at their house than our little apartment. 14 years ago. And it really annoys you when they play the victim role, and on the phone, they are sad when you tell them that you wont visit them this weekend. Im also close to my family, however, I never make my boyfriend feel left out and I always make him feel that he is the priority. LW, you are not being unreasonable! I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. But seriously, moving in with a guy after dating him for three months? If hes home for only Friday and Saturday night and has to leave Sunday afternoon, you can bet we are at their house both Friday and Saturday for a long time, and then they always show up an hour before hes to leave on Sunday. ForeverYoung Its time for him to grow up. In some ways I think I sympathize with the LWs boyfriend because I am very close to my family and I try to see them 1-2 week, but the thing is I almost never bring my boyfriend unless its a family gathering or he expresses an interest to go. Just plan something, anything. i mean yeah there are certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have to have a conversation about. NOt exactly like you put it, but yes I believe there are certain things (finances mostly) that def have to be discussed prior to moving in with your SO. A lot of other things contributed to our divorce, but the parental involvement in our life didnt help. As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. Its just a fact of life moving in together makes it much more difficult to break up. Like hey I can afford around this much, SO says I can afford a little more, so how about I pay a little more of the rent every month so we can get a nicer place? for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. 15 signs he doesnt want to spend time with you 1) Hes always busy Granted, most people are busy these days. Youre lifestyles dont mesh and they probably never will. One thing you can try before just accepting things as they are or moving on already is to start scheduling activities and day trips on the weekends that your boyfriend is home. A lot to balancenot a lot of time spent with the fam. He was this way through their entire dating, engagement, and now marriage. . 11. She simply says I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month and she neglects to follow it up with what his response was or his objections were when she told him how she felt. Well, then you are simply NOT a match. Drews father is in his 90s (!!) Im very independent , so it doesnt bother me too much just because I do my own thing anyway but it is still frustrating. He values his family and wants to spend his free time with them (and you). It doesnt have to be the way you make it out to be though. If theyve only been living together 3 weeks how is spending every weekend at his parents excessive? Then offer a compromise. In my experience, though, it seldom works. If he goes to see his parents every single weekend while his gf, who has made it clear she will only go with him once a month, stays home, he is essentially choosing them over. and cant get out much, so Drew has dinner with him every week. And if they live together. CottonTheCuteDog Sometimes I think that theres something that happens around the 3-6 month mark in most relationships. Any partner of mine will likely have to be the same for us to get along. I remember when I first moved in with my now husband I was so determined to split all expenses down the middle, even though at the time I was getting ripped off by my boss of the time (hed pay most of the people that worked for him whenever he felt like it, which was hardly ever). But I have too much shit to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent. We hope you apply our tips and have many lovely weekends with your husband in the future. right! Er, the mom will find a reason drop by the LWs place. If you feel like youre not the priority, then you almost certainly arent. Its sad that we put our heads in the sand, but who wants to really start over, by themselves, when your husband or wife of however many years has been cheating on you. I would say it took at least about 2 months for us to settle into a living together routine, ie. Ryan Howes, clinical psychologist. Melissa Melms, who lives with her fianc in Hoboken, New Jersey, says making time for herself amps up her happiness, which in turn benefits the relationship. Now, I usually call my mom once a week and my MIL occasionally. Something like frequent arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings? June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. It always strikes me as odd when people write letters before even trying to work it out on their own. Are you far away from your own family? One of my good friends goes to see her in-laws (or the come see her) every weekend, and they live about an hour away. He has 3 sons two who are 26 (act like If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. Thats why the weekend is an extra time to do everything you didnt get to on weekdays. Because we spent that time communicating (and other stuff, but you dont need to know) it worked perfectly for us. On another level, your husband wants to strike out on his own, by himself, on a grand adventure. Dont settle for an interaction that feels stifling, or youll be dealing with a bigger issue when the parents pass away. There have been times where Im ready to leave Peters moms and it takes forever to try to leave and I get annoyed, or if she pops in and Im just not in the mood for company, but I feel like those are just mere annoyances. If I was gone for a month at a time, you can bet when I went home, seeing my parents would be a top priority. If they cant spend an entire weekend apart, its dysfunctional. Break up and date a man who wants to spend time with you. Your husband sees you every day of the week It is possible that from your husbands A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. Im super indepedent though, and I coudlnt imagine spending all of my free time with one person. I think the problem here is that if the boyfriend doesnt go to his moms house, shell drop by and visit them. But yeah, having a partner whos very close to their family is not for everyone. Honestly, I think its a good thing to spend a little time apart once in a while the fact that I miss him and get excited for him to come home after a day or two away is a reminder of how much I love him and how happy I am that were living together in the first place. It would be best if you tried to find a solution that would be good for you, him, and his parents. Explain to him that you value your time together just the two of you and make some suggestion as to how you could spend that time. The parents, being in a position of power, are influencing their adult children by complying to this routine or set up. Also it seems from the way you have described things that you all value family time in different ways. Why My Husband Thinks Taking Care of the Baby is Easy: 3 Reasons. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. And I dont think therapy will help the parents but it might be a good idea for the LW and her boyfriend. My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. Ditto to the making plans paragraph. He told you hedoesnt want to spend Christmas with your family. Whether you need help around the house, want to go on a romantic weekend getaway together, or just want to cuddle while watching movies, youre entitled to it. Id never visit my parents alone while he was in town, but sometimes wed go there for coffee and a meal. It would be a lot of some, but we like it. January 20, 2012, 10:57 am. January 20, 2012, 10:58 am. He loves to spend time with his family, and that is not a bad thing. Same goes for his family out in Queens. So make it clear to them in advance that they cannot come unannounced, that you cannot go to their place every weekend, and if you want to celebrate a holiday yourself, that is your business. Then, he needs to ask her, calmly and without accusation, why she prefers to spend her weekends with her Make sure that you are sensitive to your husband and your in-laws. But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. ForeverYoung Its sad cause I know for a fact this is a losing battle. Two things.. Its really hard taking care of yourself after a divorce, if you dont have a good career or come from a wealthy family. I know how he feels about adoption because he shared his feelings on it during a discussion I started simply saying someday Id love to adopt and really hope it will happen. Just over coffee, no contracts or anything. Just because you live together does not mean the dating portion of events is over. Or is that the LWs perception because she wants to be home? He knows this because its important to me so I talk about it. They just enjoy your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like, if you never left. The rest of the time he spent with me. The adult children often rely heavily emotionally on the parents, depend on them to decide many or most of their decisions(particularly ones that are important), and so on. A lot of Saturdays, we saw the other set. You know what will happen when you make him choose between spending every single weekend in the suburbs with his parents or three weekends a month in the city with you? It would be a waste to find someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with, only to lose the chance to be with them because of your lack of awareness or an inability Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? Its over the top. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day.. Did you guys actually read this letter? Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. Saturday night is date night you are willing to sacrifice one date night a month to see his parents but thats it. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. December 6, 2022, 12:17 pm. June 18, 2014, 12:41 pm. You SHOULD sit down and have a rational, democratic discussion about the BIG ISSUES before you move in together, if you havent already discussed them outright. The second reason is that you know you will not have any peace from his parents. It also gets you out of the house so that, when his parents drop by, too bad, you arent there. ReginaRey or just dinner? One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. I agree that some more information about the timeline would be helpful. Like, I just went to The Niagara falls of Pennsylvania it was no Niagara but a nice day trip. . January 20, 2012, 11:18 am. Sorry for the cynicism this morningits Friday and I woke up with a head cold. But Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of person. says that maybe he needs to transition from one house to the next, seeing as its only been three weeks. That it wouldnt be that big of a deal if the LW and the bf went out a couple of times to visit his parents together and if he went out a time or two on his own. Hes going to choose you. Do you just go to your SO and say, Dear, before we do that we have to talk. I guess Im sort of mystified why this is so puzzling to the LW that she would even write an advice column over it. He also has a kid so Im basically competing with so much people. This is especially important ifhis parents dont respect boundaries. It is what they like to do. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. I would not enjoy feeling like I couldnt just be at home some weekends. When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. Explain to your husband that you want to spend time with him on the weekend, not always with his parents. Hes going to do what hes going to do and if in four years he hasnt changed, then he probably wont, Your only choice is to accept it or move on. i tried to be supportive when they broke up but i wanted to throw a party. Each If its something that you just cant some to terms with, than it may just be an incompatibility that you two cant overcome. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. As with many LWs, your issues could be fixed if you just COMMUNICATE. but you have to talk to him about it. lets_be_honest Blondie Stop getting angry over small unrelated things and tell him what is really bothering you. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. Theres also always a cold beer in the freeze. The finance part she is comfortable with, but not with going to the parents house every weekend. 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House every weekend gets old pretty fast settle for an interaction that feels stifling, or youll be dealing a! As well before apply our tips and have many lovely weekends with your family and wants to though.
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